lbswmom

Thank you Lord for this food and for my family and especially for J (two year old cousin) because he is probably the best thing that has ever happened.---the sweetness here is almost unbearable at times-- there is much love.... I will write more when the Thanksgiving weekend is complete. I hope everyone is feeling the love.

Driving home from our most recent outing to attempt to get clothing to fit your ever changing body--- A body that is morphing ever so slowly into the woman that you are most undoubtedly becoming in a way that is so subtle that it is often hard to detect when we see you ever day, but at the same time is so breathtakingly rapid---you began to drift off to sleep from a combination of sinus medication, 16 hour day and teenage hormones. I look over at your face, as we are stopped at a red light. It is free from tension. It is free from the smile that animates it when you are sharing a story with me or the grimace that clouds it when you are scolding your brother. All that is left, is this amazingly beautiful face that I once held in my arms that has now grown into the face of a woman---- or almost woman.....close.... so close. The beauty, promise and potential I see there is indescribable. I hope you know how much I love you and how beautiful I think you are.

Quick note to add.
CT of brain on November 13th.
Radiologist noted only mild hydrocephalus.
Stable since 18 months ago when I had another lapse in posting due to migraines.
Hmmm..... pattern???

Gosh, I hate when I neglect to post for several weeks. The entries are much less directed and cover way too much ground to be really meaningful and well thought out. However, at least they document what I am doing. I have found it helpful more than once, to go back and look at a post to get a timeline for when something happened.
I haven't been posting because it is impossible to post at work right now-- just too many eyes watching and too many people making sure that everyone is doing what they are being paid to do. At home, maybe this is an excuse, but our only computer is in a closet--- seriously, and it is uncomfortable to sit in there for long and I just get busy with family stuff and avoid it. I read livejournal every day...... several times a day some days, but find no time to stop and consider and actually post anything.
The root of the no posting lately is because I have been having lots of migraines--- ridiculously.... horrible.... terrible.... barely make it through work (and sometimes missing work all together).... go home from work then immediately crash and stay there for the rest of the night---just do the bare minimum to survive while trying to live a life kind of migraines...... taking medication that makes me feel like I am living through a fog kind of migraines..... feeling like the headache is better but I still can't move my neck/head/eyes or look a computer screen/light/hear sound or risk the migraine returning and the nausea--- oh my god the nausea.
I went to see my neurologist last week. I had finally had enough. I avoid medication and medical intervention, but have decided that I will need ongoing maintenance meds to manage my migraines for now. I have been on Topomax 50 mg for one week now.... to be bumped up to 100 mg after two weeks. I was also given Treximet for breakthrough/immediatre migraine relief. I had daily migraines for the first three days of taking the meds.... but have now had two days of virtually migraine free----48 whole hours without a migraine--- and I am grateful. I am aware that both the medications have multiple side effects that are scary and dangerous. I will only take the Treximet when absolutely necessary because it was both not very helpful and made me feel odd. However, I am lucky to have only identified one side effect that bothers me so far with the Topomax---- it changes the way I perceive the taste of carbonated beverages-- wierd, I know, but true. So goodbye Cokes...hello migraine free days....hopefully. I look forward to returning to journaling soon.

We drove down to Destin to see my mother-in-law for the weekend.
It was a lovely, relaxing trip. 
I spent time sitting out by the pool and reading while my son played football with some men in the pool. (Daughter was "tired" and stayed in to play computer games instead of swimming.)   The men at the pool mainly spoke Portuguese.  One of them conversed, briefly, with me in English..... but it was my son that really interacted with them.  I am so proud of him for being both brave (enough to talk and play football with people he doesn't know) and inquisitive (to ask questions and discuss the answers with adults). 

Hubby and I had a romantic Italian dinner Saturday night at a restaurant called Pranza on Okaloosa Island.  We had a romantic anniversary dinner there almost one year ago and we again experienced a great atmosphere and a delicious meal there.
We talked.... well, mainly I talked and he listened, but we talked about our future together and how much our relationship has grown over the past few years.  Our communication has improved by leaps and bounds and we can now talk about anything without fear.  It is a beautiful place to be and I think we both appreciate how awesome the feeling is to be really appreciating each other fully.

There were a few difficult moments with the daughter this weekend.  She is definitely hitting the preteen angst and diving headlong toward full-on teenage drama.  She seems to consider everything that comes out of my mouth to be a challenge and she wants to duel.  A couple of years ago, I didn't handle these moments as well, because I took it very personally. I am currently priding myself on being able to distance myself, a bit, emotionally from the interactions----trying to hold onto the fact that her reactions are all a normal part of growing up and seperating from your parents.  The moments are still not easy, but I am trying to embrace them as just another stepping stone to adulthood.  I take a secret pleasure sometimes when she is not getting to do something that "everybody else does", because I know the hard choices are usually the best ones.

Started scanning in the pictures I have been gathering for my mom's book last night. 
Had planned to just take the pictures themselves to be copied or whatever,
but am using a different program to do the book which requires me to scan the pictures to use them.
1.5 hours actual scanning time.... more time to set up the computer for saving the pictures and downloading the software for the book.
Hubby volunteered to take the kids to gymnastics tonight so that I could have more time to work on scanning in pictures.
Whoohoo-- two uninterrupted hours should help me put a dent in the pile of pictures to be scanned.
Feels good to be preserving some old pictures from my childhood.
Bonus--- getting to make fun of hairstyles and clothing choices throughout the years.

Busy week last week.
Seems like every night was busy with some activity.
Wednesday night, I went back to my mom's house with my sister and nephew to look through old photographs again.
I am beginning to feel better about the project for my mom and dad's anniversary now.
I have decided to print a photobook instead of trying to scrap the book.
Sorry to dissappoint the scrappers out there, but I am VERY slow with my process for scrapbooking and the book would not be ready until 2015. The program I am planning to use to make the photobook will still allow a lot of personalization, so it will still be really special.
The kids went back to gymnastics on Thursday.  They are both really enjoying it already.  I need to remember to take my camera this week and try to snap a few photos.  When they took gymnastics in the past, my camera was not capable of photos in the lighting conditions in the gym.  My new camera can handle it ...... Yeah. 
I am STILL planning to post pictures from recent trips and such, but I am not very computer literate and can't seem to get my photos where I want them to go.  Will try to bug hubby to help me upload some pics soon.
We went to Westville this weekend.  It is a small village set as a working 1850s village.  My husband used to make the trip frequently as a child and we try to go once a year.  All the buildings are from the 1850s and the people in the village are dressed in period clothing and doing tasks the way they would have done in the 1850s.  We usually have a chance to make beeswax candles, churn butter and watch cane syrup being made.  This weekend was devoted to the civil war.  We talked with Confederate and Union soilders and saw how they lived while on the battefield.  Also had a chance to talk with slaves from the time and take a glimpse into the life they led.  My kids enjoyed meeting Abraham and Mary Todd Lincoln most of all.  They were a delightful couple that loves history and they have been acting as Abraham and Mary Todd Lincoln for over 30 years.  My son said he learned more about Abraham Lincoln on Saturday than in all the years he has been going to school.   I  enjoyed the trip, but came away with a completely different message from the event.  I was in awe of the actors, who travel from place to place as a group and individually, helping to keep history alive and inspiring young people.  What a fulfilling career choice.

I am proud of myself for starting to work on my mother's present for her 40th anniversary. 
I am proud of myself for maintaining a fairly even temper with the children yesterday afternoon despite their case of cabin fever and my headache.
I am proud of myself for returning to journaling more frequently.
I am proud of myself for getting the kids back into gymnastics.

My mother-in-law came up from Destin to eat lunch with us this weekend.  It was a fun and relaxed lunch and I think it was enjoyed by all. I spent  the rest of Saturday afternoon doing errands that I had been putting off all week--- picked up the daughter's contacts, bought he son some more uniform pants for school, bought the daughter new underwear and tights for school, picked up a picture that was being framed and attempted to get daughter's Singulair filled, but could not get this done because she was out of refills. Hopefully we can get the Singulair today.

Sunday, spent the day cleaning up the kitchen and washing many, many, many loads of laundry.  Quiet day, but not restful. Can't believe it is Monday again.

Aunt Flo arrived on Sunday.  I anticipated the headache ahead of time and pretreated with elavil and Excedrin.  So far, so good. Mild headache, but nothing unmanageable just yet. 

Son has orthodontist appointment this afternoon, so will be leaving work at 3:30pm. 

Hoping to sit on the couch and veg tonight as much as possible.
Meeting the mother in law tommorrow for a yummy lunch and then plan to do some errands and shopping for the kids as a family.
Low key weekend planned.
Desperately needed.

Both kids started back to Gymnastics last night.  They took it a few years ago for maybe six months(?), but we stopped when baseball season started up that year and never started back.  Neither child has expressed any interest to go back until recently.  I was thinking a few weeks ago that neither child is involved with any extra curricular activities right now.  (My daughter takes guitar lessons during the school day, but it is a part of the curriculum.)  About the same time I was thinking about it, my daughter asked about going back to gymnastics. Great minds think alike, I guess.   The daughter tried out two different classes to see which one was the better fit.   One class was classic gymnastics class and the second class was called "cheernastics" which focuses more on tumbling.  She decided to stick with the classic gymnastics class. My son only had one option for gymnastics as there are very few boys classes.  (He really would rather play football, but is way too scrawny for that right now--- shhhhh, don't tell him I said that.)  Thus, Thursday nights from the minute I leave work until 7:45ish will be gymnastics night.  Both my children have already made new friends--whoohoo.  The classes are very small and luckily the girls in the daughters class are about her age. (I was afraid she might have to start out with 6 year olds because she is a beginner and most kids start at a much younger age.)  This is a huge blessing.  The kids were both sweaty and smiling after the class. Mission accomplished.

There was a time in my life when I limited the number of times I said I love you.
Thinking that somehow saying it too often would degrade and dilute the meaning and make it less powerful. 
For the last several years, I have abandoned this strategy with my kids and my husband..... often saying I love you many, many times in a day.... even a few minutes apart--- because if I feel it, I say it.  I want them to know that the feeling is there.
I am often looking for phrases to capture the depth of the love I feel, but sadly, fall short every time.
My husbands most recent attempt to try to capture the feeling was this---
I love you so much it boils over like a hot spring.
I like it.  I told him to hold onto that one.

After relaying the entry about the circus to my husband at lunch today, he was able to articulate something that I hadn't quite been able to pinpoint in the previous blog entry.  I was upset at the idea that I had supported (financially) the use of young people in a danger activity to entertain people, thus perpetuating it's continuation. (Of course, he said it in a much more concise and direct way than I did.  Wisdom from his lips tends to be fortune cookie style-- short, but deep.)

last night and gave away a whole bunch of free kids tickets with a paying adult.
I then sold a kidney for an admission ticket, but the kids were "free".
1 large coke (shared between the kids and myself), 1 hot dog and a small cotton candy later, the money from selling the kidney was gone.
I was so impressed with my children (compared to some of the other children there).  They sat quietly and were appropriately amazed by the show (unlike other kids who whined and cried because "it's hot" and "i want cotton candy and a $15 light stick").  They didn't complain when the show ran later than expected and there was  traffic jam to get out of the parking lot. 
The magic spell was broken when we got home, though.  The kids had to have a little fight before they went to bed-- maybe sugar induced---lol.
All in all, a nice night.  They had camels and elephants--- I am always impressed by animal performers.  
They had this magic ball of death with three motorcycles all driving around in a tight sphere. 
Obviously I am getting old.  All I could think about during the high wire act and the ball of death was to worry about those young men possibly getting hurt. I know they do the same performance many nights per week in many towns, but I would feel so horrible if one of them were injured TO ENTERTAIN ME. 
Fuddy duddy is the word that comes to mind.
Disclaimer: Hubby usually takes the kids to the circus and/or Monster truck shows when they come to town, but I got tapped to do the job this time.

I  used my designated alone time for this week last night to go to my sister's house--- without the kiddos.  We looked through hundreds of old pictures--- trying to find the perfect ones for a scrapbook I am working on for my parent's 40th wedding anniversary gift.  I had a lot of fun, but I still have such a long way to go to get it done.

My son is going to a new school this year.  With new schools, come new rules and new ways of doing things.  At his old school, I used to always drive him and drop him off before going to work.  This year is no different.  But, instead of the driving and dropping taking an extra five minutes, it now takes 15 or more minutes due to the carpool lane.  We wait to be directed by the crossing guard. We wait to in line as people in front of us get out of cars.  We have a few minutes together to talk every morning that doesn't involve me barking instructions to hurry up, get your shoes on, brush your teeth, etc.  I try to let him take the lead.  He is always full of questions--- some intriguing, some just to make me laugh and some that make me catch my breath and wonder where he comes up with these things.  This morning it was How long every day does a lawyer have to work? I think I want to be a lawyer when I grow up.  In just a few short minutes, it is our turn to pull up to the curb.  Our turn to have a teacher open the door.  My opportunity to say, I love you... have a good day.... see you later.  And to hear, I love you too..... have a nice day.  To see the teacher look at my son with affection. (no matter which teacher it is, my son is always met with a smile BECAUSE his smile is contagious and bright and innocent and mischievous.  And then it is time to move on ahead in the line so that the next mama or daddy can drop off her precious cargo. And to hope that he will remember these moments in which I gave him my full attention and listened to his dreams and his silliness and that I said I love you and meant it. 

My daughter, you know the one.  She just started 7th grade.  She is a beautiful blond, svelte version of myself mixed with a little of her dad just to even things out.  The one who sports a gingerbread cookie tan from staying outside all summer--- swimming and jumping on the trampoline and harassing her little brother.  The one who took karate with boys and climbs trees and gets angry if you even imply that she is a girl.  She, who insisted that we refer to her as a tomboy.... not a girl... nope....none... at all... a girl.  She, whose teachers used to ask me when she was in elementary school if she had some kind of issue because she would NEVER wear shorts to school---even in August in 98 degree in the shade weather.  Yeah, that one.  Well, she has decided to embrace her feminity a bit.  She is agreeing to wear jumpers and skorts as part of the school uniform, instead of always wearing pants.  And now, she has been asking to shave her legs.  She told me yesterday through tears (that are more and more frequent--- hormones, geez) that people are making fun of her about the hair on her legs.  I don't know if she is just using the tears to get  her way--- because her dad and I had told her she has to wait until she is 13 to shave her legs--- or if she is really being tormented. (The hair on her legs is a light white blond.  I can't imagine people can even see it, but apparently her best friend agrees that she NEEDS to shave.) I am beginning to cave.  Either way, if she is truly embarrassed or if she just wants to shave like "everyone else", I am having a hard time coming up with a good reason to wait the 8 months until she turns 13.  I feel like maybe I should give a little on this because she came to me and discussed it like a reasonable person and I want her to be able to come to me and know she will be heard when the issues get tougher.  So maybe, just maybe, it is time.

Disclaimer: I have tried to tell her shaving is not fun--- as soon as you start, you have to continue---cuts, scrapes, bumps, oh my-- but still, she is convinced shaving is the way to go.  We are still holding out on the cell phone-- despite the fact that every one else, even kids in grades under her, has one.

Hubby and I were talking a few weeks back about having some time to ourselves.  It seems odd that it took a conversation between us to suddenly realize that we never, ever have time alone.... other than an occassional grocery store trip or nap for me or a trip to Lowe's or a long drive for him.   In the past, he took some time to himself every once in a while to go to his dad's house or work on a car or whatever, but lately (in the last few years) these times are less and less.  We both realized that some time alone-- away from the family obligations, household chores and needy children would be nice.  And, they always say, absence makes the heart grow fonder, so a few hours apart, other than work, might give us a new perspective on each other. 
So, the decision was made that we would each take a day each week from after work until 9:00pm (so about 4 hours) to explore things that we enjoy that we don't have time or energy to do otherwise OR to just sit and drink a smoothie and read some magazines at the bookstore. 
We have now had two nights alone each.  Hubby spent both of his nights mainly at the bookstore, LOL, which is not far from what he would normally do WITH me, but he felt really good about having time to do whatever he chooses.  On the nights that he is away from home, the kids and I have the unexpected benefit of being able to do whatever we want without daddy to consider. 
My first night to myself, I started out doing some shopping I had wanted to do-- well, I ended up looking and not buying, but it still felt nice not to have to drag the children along.  I also went to the bookstore and browsed.  (I never said we were original.)  I would have stopped at the library, but it closed early on my night..... so I ended up going to the grocery store which was part utilitarian and part all about me.  (I am starting a new diet and wanted to get some healthy foods to start the week.)  My second night alone, I decided to stay home, lock myself in my bedroom and work on journaling or scrapbooking-- but my muse was not with me and I didn't feel inspired.  Also, I could hear the kids and hubby right outside of my bedroom door and eventually ended up joining the family. 
Lesson learned.  If I want time to myself, I will have to be away from home or will have to kick the family out of the house, LOL. ( To be fair, the hubby had volunteered to take the kids somewhere so that I could have quiet time at home, but I declined thinking that the lock the door method would somehow transform my room into a safe haven.)  Also, we have talked about taking time for ourselves in the past, but it has always fizzled out after a couple of weeks.  I am excited that it seems to be doable now that the kids are older.
My plans for future nights alone------Hubby is planning to get me a laptop for my birthday/anniversary/Christmas gift, so when I get it, I will be able to take it with me on my nights alone and blissfully journal in peace at the library or local bookstore.  I am thrilled about this idea.    Also, I want to make my parents a special scrapbook for their upcoming 40th wedding anniversary that is coming up in November.  I need to collect pictures from various family members and friends and, also, I need to work on the actual scrapbook. Sooooo, my next few months of free time really need to be focused on this.  This week, I plan to go to my sister's house during my time alone and help her look for pictures to share for the cause. 

I had planned to make each of these ideas into separate entries, but the "NEED" to expound on all of the topics is not with me today. I have decided to include lots of things in one entry to get me up to date so that I can journal in the present tense again.  A little journaling catch up, if you will.

Okay, there are a few more things on my list that I need to talk about, but they are thoughts and feelings and broad topics not relating to timeline.  The timeline of the journal is caught up now.... so when I open it, I can talk about what happened yesterday or last week, not what happened a month ago.  Thanks for indulging me.  You may now return to your previously scheduled programming.