lbswmom

Thursday--Spoke in front of a group today for work.  Got nervous. I am pretty sure it showed, but made it through the speech anyway.  This is kind of a cop out because I don't absolutely hate public speaking (so it is not as much a challenge for me as it is for some people-- like my hubby), but I am rusty and was nervous, but made it through and didn't beat myself up about it afterward.

Friday-- Hubby was supposed to get off work early to leave for the beach. He ended up getting off late instead.  I managed to be cordial when he got home and didn't harrass him about being late.
Saturday-- Enjoyed a liesurely day of lovemaking, eating greasy food and good conversation with the hubby. Managed to appreciate the simple things in life like air conditioning and cheese grits and being married to my best friend.
Sunday-- Appreciated the world through more innocent eyes for a few moments as my children told me about adventures from the weekend.  Managed to be happy for them and their experiences, instead of being jealous that I was not there to see them.
Monday-- Allowed myself to stay out of work because of my migraine and did not feel guilty about being out of work and taking 14 naps.
Tuesday-- Still recovering from migraine, but back at work.  Really can't think of anything good to say about myself for this day. Managed to make dinner at home instead of going out.  That's a triumph these days. Really out of the habit of cooking at home. Need to go back to it to save money for debt that needs to be paid off.  Each dinner made at home saves money.... so that is a little victory.
Wednesday-- Finally feeling a little better.  Work was slow. Dinner at home again. Meatloaf. Rewatched Wanted with Angelina Jolie. Awesome concept movie.  Really love it when hubby and I connect over a movie that wouldn't be everyone's cup of tea... because it reminds me of why I fell in love with him in the first place.  Something good about myself for the day is-- after many years of dating and  almost 13 years of marriage-- two children-- debt--job problems-- family problems, I still remember, most days, why I love my husband and why I fell in love with him in the first place.  That is full of win.

This was difficult entry.  It is easier to praise myself for the little things day by day.  The little things tend to fade to the background fabric of life after a few days.  I really enjoy this exercise though and plan to continue with it.  I realize already that identifying new awesome things about myself will get more difficult as time goes on because I will start repeating myself.... but I still plan to try.

My parents have a camper/fifth wheel that they parked at a campsite at Panama City Beach for the week.  Hubby and I had planned to take the kids down this weekend. However, daughter got an invitation to Panama City Beach for a friends birthday and son got an invite to Grammy's house in Destin.  That left hubby and I to our sweet lonesome in the camper.  We drove down Friday night after getting both kiddies to their prospective location.  Hubby and I were both tired from the week and ended up going to sleep by midnight Friday night with no exciting happenings.  Saturday morning we enjoyed getting up late and eating a greasy breakfast at Waffle House.  Saturday afternoon we had some amazing/mind blowing/scream inducing adult activities that I will spare you the intimate details of, but plan to post a private post for myself about it-- because it was that awesome and I don't want to forget it.  Saturday evening we had a lovely dinner at Sweet Basil's, a favorite Italian joint of ours, and strolled around a bookstore. We got a call from some friends saying they were in the area. They dropped by to see the camper and we all joked,laughed , talked some serious relationship talk and stayed up way too late while I organized pictures from the Washington trip in the album.   We ended up having late night snack/early morning breakfast again at the Waffle house (only thing open at 3:30AM) and went back to the camper to sleep late.  I felt yucky on Sunday due to the dear old mother nature monthly visit arriving.  Have had a migraine since then, so haven't posted my good thoughts about myself for those days, but plan to catch up soon. The kids had a great time at their seperate activities.  Daughter went snorkeling and saw some little stingrays.  Son went on a dolphin cruise with Grammy and the dolphin cruise guy let him steer the boat for part of the trip.  We got to hear the stories of the weekend told by our children while eating ice cream from Marble Slab Creamery --yumm.  The kids fell asleep in the car on the way home.  It was a lovely weekend.  The kids went back to the beach this week to spend the time at the camper with my sister, my mom and my nephew. Hubby and I have been at home alone for the last two nights, but I, like I said, have had a terrible migraine so fun has not been had. Missed work Monday because of it and managed to make it through yesterday... just barely.  Luckily feeling a lot better today.  Almost back to normal.  Hopefully, hubby and I can take advantage of this last night alone before getting the kids back to do something more fun than fighting migraines.  That's all for now. Update my something good about me challenge soon.

Wednesday-- Watched a documentary about pregnant women with my daughter.  Answered a few questions for her during the show.  Yeah for raising a daughter who can ask me embarrassing questions.  Yeah for being a mom who can answer those questions without having a heart attack.

Thursday-- Planning to spend my lunch break meeting some sexual needs for my husband that have been ignored this week.  Yeah for me for being a hot mama.

This is really hard for me today because the last few days have been less than productive  (see last post).

Monday-- Hubby gave me a compliment about how great I looked (this is an extreme rarity for him to actually verbalize this) and I accepted the compliment somewhat gracefully.

Tuesday-- Ended up in screaming match with 12 year old daughter prior to going to summer program before work.  She was relentless with her talking back and I was just as relentless with not backing down.  It escalated to screaming.  Not my finest parenting moment.  I was so flustered that I forgot to leave something at the center and had to leave work to go back to the center (just a few minutes away).   I pulled daughter aside when I went back to the center and apologized for my behavior.  I briefly reminded her of why I was so upset by her behavior, but managed to leave her with a sincere apology. Yeah for me.  I think it helped her recover and go on with her day and I know it helped me.

<If you haven't already figured it out yet, my daughter knows all the right buttons to push to set me off.  She is so much like me--- very smart, stubborn and determined to prove her point.  Teenage years are going to be a challenge.  Conversely, the son rarely pushes my buttons because he is so much like his dad.>

Monday, I hadn't slept much the night before and literally just waded through the day at work half asleep.   Miserable.  Hubby picked up the kids from the after school program and took them out to supper. I went to bed early and drifted in and out of restless sleep.  Got back out of bed about 9:00pm and then back to bed at midnight. 

Tuesday, worked hard to play catch up at work from my difficult Monday.  Ate lunch with hubby and my poppy, who joined us because he was in town for a doctor's appointment.  Hubby went to the movies with friends after work and I decided not to go.  Stayed home with the kids and watched them create Star wars light sabers and play Guitar hero.  Took a nap before bedtime and then regretted it because I couldn't sleep last night. Hubby's snoring didn't help.  He apologized this morning for keeping me up.

Today, the plan is to 1) work all day, 2) pack the son off to Poppy's house for the night, (Son will be helping Poppy set up the camper tommorrow in Panama City. Son will be in heaven because Poppy and manual tasks are two of his favorit things.)  3) take daughter to the mall to get a birthday gift, 4)maybe get a new cell phone because mine is archaic and hubby is paying for an advanced plan which means I can get a new phone for free, 5)maybe some bookstore shopping--- because we are bookworms and then, if I am lucky (or maybe, if my husband is lucky) home for some lovemaking.  That's the plan for the day.  We will see how it goes. 

In a nutshell--- Ripley Road, compelling after dinner conversation with new friends, laughing at my drunk sister's antics, fireworks and steak dinner at Poppy's house, shopping for school clothes and an amazing sexual evening with my hubby.

Thursday night after getting off work, hubby took son to Poppy's house for the night and I dropped off daughter at friend's house for the night.  Met with friends at local bar called Becky's.  Enjoyed a performance by Ripley Road and got to meet a few of hubby's acquaintances-- some new, some old-- some I liked, some I don't.   Didn't drink or dance, but laughed and enjoyed the music and most of the company. Waffle House patty melt at 3 oclock in the morning.  Smelled like smoke from head to toe.  Not going to be a habit, but a nice change of pace for us.  In bed at 4:00AM. 

Friday night--had friends over for dinner.   She prepared the meal and brought it over.  I made brownies.  It was a very pleasant evening that I thought would end fairly early.  They started talking.  They are having problems with communication and trust.  Hubby and I shared some of our history and what we have overcome and how it CAN get better.  Hubby was amazingly open throughout the night with them.   He was amazed at how I was able to share as well.   I felt happy to be able to share the stories, advice and commiseration with someone else who might benefit from our past pain. It felt wierd to see the mirror image of our relationship sitting across from us on the couch--he more like me, she more like my hubby.  We both felt compelled to share with them what was blatantly obvious to us because we have been through almost exactly the same things  in the past--- jealousy, resentment, controlling behaviors, etc.  Of course, their relationship is not all butterflies and roses now, but I think we at least made them think AND the most important thing about it all, was that hubby and I could talk about it and share with them some very delicate information without getting upset or angry with each other.  In fact, we both felt amazing when they finally left at 2:00AM.  Good talk.  She called back embarrassed the next day about being so emotional in front of us and airing their dirty laundry.  She shared with us that after they left they were feeling better about each other and their relationship. 
Friday night around 2:30AM (no, I never stay up this late-- it was an unusual weekend), my brother-in-law who sings in a band got finished with his gig.  My sister and he decided to spend the night with us instead of driving home because they were sans kid last night as well.  My sister had taken full advantage of the fact that she was kidless for the evening and imbibed a large quantity of alcohol.  I don't think I have ever seen her drunk.  She kept telling the same stories over and over.  It was amusing.  Didn't get in bed until 4:00AM AGAIN.

Saturday night--grilled steaks and grilled veggies at Poppy's and Nana's.  Mostly lovely evening of Nascar, fireworks, food and family.  The women talked, the men watched the race and the children(my two and my nephew who is almost two) enjoyed each other and the fireworks.  Always feel like I have to be the bad guy at my parents house because they let the kids do ANYTHING.  Turned out to be a nice evening though.

Sunday-- hubby went to help friends with yardwork.  I spent a few hours shopping with the kids for school uniforms for next year.  This is first year they will be required to wear uniforms.  It is oddly easy to find my daughter some fun stuff to wear-- jumpers, skooters, skorts.  Boys have two options--- very plain shorts or very plain pants and polo or other collared shirt.... boring.  The kids were thankfully cooperative and happy today.  I had a good time shopping with them.  Also had a lovely sexual interlude with the hubby this evening.  It was something extra special indeed.  We are both still smiling on Monday night. hehe. 

OK, that's it for now.

Thursday--Realized that it is okay for me not to like some of my hubby's friends.

Friday--  Had a long, in-depth conversation with my hubby and our new friends.   They are having some trouble communicating with each other. Hubby and I were able to share some of our past mistakes and encourage them to continue to try to communicate their needs to each other.  They shared with us that they felt they really made some headway with each other through the conversation.  Hubby and I were both thrilled that our painful experience in the past might prove to help someone.   I was shocked and pleased at how open hubby was during the conversation.   I managed to discuss the whole thing calmly and felt good about it afterwards, instead of letting the conversations make me spiral back into the pain of the past. 

Saturday--  As usual at my parent's house, I ended up feeling guilty or upset about something.  This time, I was upset because I have to be the bad guy and make my kids follow some rules instead of just doing anything they want.  I yelled at the kids at times which would not be necessary if my parents would enforce any rules at all.   However, I didn't continue to feel bad about my behavior after we left my parents house and didn't rehash it over and over in my brain.  Small victory for me.

Sunday--  Complimented my kids for good behavior while we were shopping for school clothes and reiterated their good behavior in front of hubby when he came home. 

 Wednesday-- Last night my hubby and I had the most wonderful, intimate, honest, deep conversation.  He told me he loved me and how deeply the feeling went in a way that he has never been able to express before, in my opinion.  He also complimented me on my ability to love and how much I have grown as a person in the last few years.  I allowed myself to enjoy his comments and feel the feelings he was trying to convey without qualifying them, dismissing them, downplaying them or discounting them.  Yeah me.

Monday-- Didn't do anything really exciting at all today. I guess I could praise myself for getting up and going to work despite the fact that I really wanted to stay in bed.  I am blessed to have a good job in a horrible economy.

Tuesday-- Spent some time reviewing my old journal entries and realized how much I enjoy them.  I am proud of myself for writing down some of the good things and some of the bad things in my life. I know they will become even more treasured in the future.

Hi, I wanted to let the people on my friend's list know that I plan to spend the next few days/ week? going through my old entries to label them with titles (I have lots of entries with no title), tagging them and correcting obvious grammatical errors so that they will make sense when I go back to read them 10 years from now.  I don't plan to change any content information at all. Just trying to make it easier for me to go back and find entries that I want to read.  Just letting everyone know in case you start getting notifications that I have edited a lot of entries.  If I can get my computer to cooperate with me, I would love to go back and add pictures to some posts as well. Just FYI in case you get a whole bunch of edited entry notifications. Thanks in advance for your patience with this.

P.S.  I still plan to do several posts about the DC trip...... very soon.

Friday--  Mindblowing sex with my hubby. We are at a beautiful place right now.  Nuff said.

Saturday-- Spent several hours printing out pictures from the Washington trip.  I was proud of how they turned out.  I feel like an artist.  Enjoyed sharing the pictures with hubby's mom and aunt over early supper.  Allowed myself to spend some money on books-- frivolous books-- just for fun.

Sunday--Relaxed around the house after too many days to count of going non-stop.  Tried not to feel guilty about the mounting laundry and dirty dishes. 

Oh my goodness. The most horrible thing just happened to me in the bookstore.  My hubby and kids were on another side of the store, so I wondering blissfully alone in the audiobooks section.  An altheletic young man in his early to late 20s... I guess.... was sitting on the floor and piling audio books around him.  His friend who was definately in his early 20s was nearby. I asked if he had a long commute (hence needed audiobooks).  He nodded and we chatted for a minute and I told him about another local used bookstore where he could buy some used books on tape.  I thought we were kind of connecting.  He smiled at me. I smiled back at him.  And then, he said, "Thank you ma'am". 
Bleck--- obviously he thought I was old enough to be his much older aunt or something. 
I usually am mistaken for being younger than I am AND this is the south.  He could have just been trying to show respect.  But it was just the sound of his voice when he said it.  Made me want to hide under a bookcase until he left the building.

Yesterday, I did a good job of seeing the positives in my life instead of focusing on the negatives.  Also, I was kind and held my patience with my children at the end of a long day.

Challenged by a new friend on my friend's list to say something good about myself every day.
Yesterday's good thing was  --Hubby invited new friends over to eat dinner last night and I didn't freak out. In fact, I actually was able to relax a bit and enjoy the company.
Today's good thing is--- spent time with hubby lovemaking and talking last night instead of cleaning up and vegging on the couch.

Great trip to Washington.
Back to work this week.
No time to write right now.
Will update with full details soon.

Have been fighting a UTI since last Friday.
Aunt Flo came to visit Saturday.
Gave up on fluids and cranberry juice about 2109598 trips to the bathroom on Saturday.
Went to quick med place for antibiotics.
Monday.... still in pain and frequent bathroom visits at work.
Tuesday.... less pain.... went shopping to get some cooler clothes for vacation.
Wednesday..... still not completely pain free, but getting there.
Thursday..... leaving after work to go to Atlanta. Hope to feel 100% by then.... or close.

I envy people who can start each day and look at it as an opportunity for new and exciting things. 
I envy being able to wake up and think.... what am I going to do today.
I feel like I very rarely have those kinds of days.
My life has so many "requirement"  kind of days-- work mostly is what I mean by requirement.
Even on the weekends, I have things that need to get done.
Never or rarely ever think,  I can do whatever I want to do and don't have to explain or justify it to anyone.
I feel stuck in a rut --- unable to carve out any time to find a new direction for myself.


I'm happy alot of the time with how my life is.
I know I am truly blessed.
It's just at certain times, I feel very limited.


Wake up too early for me.
Shower and wash hair with cheap shampoo.
Drop kids at daycare.
Drive to work.
The walls of my office.
Lunch.
The walls of my office.
Drive to pick up kids.
The walls of my kitchen.
The voices of my children.
The comfort of our couch.
TV.
Laughter
Household chores.
The warmth of our bed.
The warmth of his arms.
Sleep, when I am lucky.
Lather.
Rinse.
Repeat.
This is my life.
Limited by what I have created.
Limited by what I allow myself to do.
Limited by who I allow myself to be.